Today was a real fucker.
Our car is dying. It's either the muffler or it's running on one too few cylinders. Either way. We need a new car. Super annoying.
That's not the only reason today was a fucker.
When you are first diagnosed with cancer it's everything. It's day and night. Thought to thought. Every second. It's like a death sentence. And it very well may be. You don't argue with anyone, you don't debate or discuss. You're just trying to make it through the day. Sometimes you feel like you're going to die immediately, like that very second. It's because a part of you has....the anxiety is crippling and the thoughts are pervasive. But it doesn't last. No one can survive like that.
In the intermediate you have to actually live. Days and weeks between tests, pathology reports and tests.
Today I lived a day like maybe anyone else would've. I fought with my partner. It felt shitty. Cancer isn't a get out of jail free card in relationships. It actually puts more pressure and strain than one can imagine on a partnership. Jason doesn't like when I mention him or talk about us, but it's my life and it's cancer and real shit and my kids will read this someday and it's my blog.
We had a fight...and I don't even know how to fight anymore. I feel like I don't want to be mad for too long, even if I feel I'm right. When you wake up each day and feel grateful, arguing feels like such a waste, but somehow it's part of life. It's hard to become a sage overnight. So I argue. And it's shitty. I know I'm right. But...I back down because it's not worth it. He'd say I'm wrong. And he may be right too... Who knows in these matters. It's not easy.
For him....how do you really argue long term with someone like me. For me...how do I not feel the urge to pull the cancer card like a get out of jail free. It's shitty. There's a stalemate that happens that's strange. It's like a mutual compassion. You realize...you can't win even if you win.
At the end of the day you look at the person you live with and you realize they aren't perfect and neither are you. Cancer sucks but it's not a get out of jail free card. At the end of the day when you have an argument you need to decide what you'd rather be....happy...or right.
That's a fine line to walk and I haven't mastered it yet. But I do know one thing. Stress puts strain on the immune system and the immune system is responsible for patrolling the blood stream for circulating tumor cells looking to set up shop in other organs.
So I remind myself...nothing is worth my stress. If it causes me stress, I need to let it go. Nothing is worth my immunity.
At the end of the day that's what it boils down to. When someone loves you enough, they see causing you stress as hurting you. And hopefully you see your own stress as killing you.
You have to love yourself enough to not cause yourself stress you can't handle and you need to be with someone who doesn't cause you stress you can't manage.
Cancer is a great teacher. Maybe it isn't cancer teaching me this. Maybe it's just life... I just happen to have a little touch of cancer on the side.
Stress. It's not worth it. Bottom line.
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