Three weeks ago I spent 3 nights on what's described at one of the most depressing wards in the Juravinski Cancer Centre. 2nd only to the Children's ward. I couldn't even handle the woman in the room beside me who told her son repeatedly that things would be OK. When it was evident they wouldn't. I have lived in fear of cancer more than before since that day. The next day I had a bronchoscope as I've described and I've been waiting for the past 2-3 weeks for the pathology report that would tell me if they detected any microscopic cancer cells in my lung fluid.
I've tried to push it down, to deal with the stress, but it's always been there. Lurking in the background. My cells sitting in a lab, the results would determine the course of my life for the near future. Positive....we have to battle the cancer directly. Negative....I'm still No Signs of Disease or NED as it's reffered to.
Today I got the results.
SO! NEGATIVE! No cancer in the specimen. My right lung appears to just have suffered damage from radiation. Not a small thing. Called radiation pneumonitis. It's inflammation caused by radiation. Hoping it's not life long. Time will tell. But GREAT news. No cancer. That's always something so wonderful to see on any pathology report.
As soon as I found out it was like someone lifted a block off my chest. It lasted about 16 minutes until I found myself looking ahead to Dec 11 when my chest, abdomen and pelvic CT Scan is scheduled. I was so mad at myself for robbing myself of the moment by worrying about another scan but it's a messed up thing.
Once you have cancer, even if you get a result like this, it's wonderful but fleeting. I wanted to come home and celebrate with a big bowl of ice cream but I know I can't I wanted to have a big bowl of pasta but I had two bites instead. I wanted to go out and dance and celebrate and take a few shots of tequilla with my friends. Covid aside, that's not the reality.
I am grateful to be cancer free but I still have miles to go before we can relax about my prognosis. I know it seems like I'm being pessimistic but I'm just being honest. It's a relief but it's not like the whole weight has been lifted.
Tonight I'll sleep well, grateful to be gifted more time with my children. That's what that report gave me today. More time. It's the most important thing. SO I ask myself tonight how I will continue to spend mine.
It's more valuable than anything, more than money or possessions, or beauty or sex or romance. Time with your children is everything. It, like my report today are wonderful gifts in the present tense but fleeting.
So hug your children, really appreciate the time you have with them as Christmas approaches, look into their little eyes and sniff their cheeks. There are many things that we can be gifted but time is rarely one of them.
Today I was gifted time.
There is no thing to be more grateful for.
Sara you are a real trooper and keep on marching on no matter how hard the terrain gets. Keep up your positive spirits as they will get you through this.