#86 Results are IN

There are those among you who, when at Indigo selecting a new book to purchase, read the flap of the book and then skip ahead to the last few pages, see how it turns out. You'll be the ones scrolling down to see what the results were. I know you're out there. It's OK. Scroll away.

This morning when I woke up I called to see if the results were in. The nurse said yes but they can't be released to me until a Doctor reviews them. My appointment was at 2:40pm. I would find out then....WTF.

It was 9:01am That's hours and hours of waiting. My report just sitting on some computer while someone eats a burrito on their lunch break looking it over. Making notes for the Doctor who will call me with the news.

Today I drove to Toronto, I had to meet my older sister, we had exchanged cars because mine needed some maintenance and she lent me hers to use. That killed a few hours. I drove home with the music on full blast singing whatever song came on. Just repeating over and over in my head....no cancer, no cancer, no cancer.

I got home around lunch and Jason happened to pop in on his lunch break. A much needed hug and back he went and I sat in my chair and drank a Neutral for lunch. OMG. Don't tell my therapist or my naturopath, or my herbalist or my doctor, or my Mom. Of course I will them all and the therapy group on Wednesday but I could just feel the potential collective disappointment . Whatever. It took the edge off. Better than a clonazepam which my therapist has no problem advising me to take 4 of everyday, or quentiopine which is an anti-psychotic he also says is OK if I "am struggling". Anyway. One neutral not the end of the world people.

I watched two episodes of the Umbrella Academy and at 2:30 started just staring at my phone like a lunatic. Willing it to ring but dreading the call. I looked around at my house and the tree and I thought to myself that if the phone rang and it was bad news I'd remember being in my house and maybe I'd hate my house after that.

So I decided to leave. I got in the car (the neutral had worn off...it's been 2 hours), and I started driving. I didn't even know where to go. I looked west and there were dark clouds so I decided to go south, away from the water. Usually the water is where I go to feel peace. I put my feet in. I've been known to dip into Superior in the fall and winter after a good steam. Today I drove South, away from the brow. Following the sun. 2:40 passed, 2:50 passed......still driving, country roads now...just losing myself. Looking around at horses and houses and in a place I'd never been.

Emotionally, physically and mentally. All in new territory. That call is coming...it's either going to be...good...or bad. With cancer. There really is no in between.

3:10 the phone rang. Here's how the conversation went:

"Hello Sara?"

"Hi Dr. Turner"

"Hi...How are you?"

"I'm Ok how are you?" (A stupid question....on both sides...just a formality I think we should do away with that greeting completely and skip to the meat....)

Anyway...

"So I have the results of your CT Scan and everything looks good"

"Everything looks good?" Me....now frozen staring ahead at vast corn field all of a sudden realizing I have no idea where I am.

"From what I can see, the lung issues are consistent with radiation damage and show no signs of cancer"

"What about my other parts (abdomen, pelvis)"

"Well, I only really looked at the chest CT but let me see..."

PAUSE....I try not to faint and drive into the ditch while I wait for her to read it to me....

She reads it to me aloud as she's reading it for the first time...

"Liver....good....pancreas...good...kidneys...good....lymphatics good....billiary system good...heart looks good....ovaries...good...uterus...good"

She paused and I paused.

Then she said

"There's nothing on this scan at all to indicate there's any cancer evident"

NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE.

NED bitches!

I thanked her over and over and she told me that I should try, just for a week or two to forget all of the past year and enjoy my Christmas. Who knows what the future holds but this scan was clean. No gurantees, no promises, but a good one for now. Enjoy.

I then asked her, how she was. There's been an outbreak at the Cancer centre and it's not improving. She mentioned to me that she was exhausted. She is 38 weeks pregnant and still seeing cancer patients in a pandemic.

In that moment I realized the world was so much bigger than me.

I'm OK for now. I got good news, but there are people everyday who put their lives on the line, who suffer, who don't have enough for Christmas, who don't have a doctor or even have the capacity to know they're sick before they die.

There are people who this year go without more than any other year, it made me take a quick step back and realize what it means to be a human now. Nothing is easy for anyone but it's a lot harder for those who it was hard for to begin with. Poor people, racially marginalized people, indigenous people without fresh water or access to health care....Jesus.

Only I could turn that amazing cancer free moment into an opportunity to feel guilty. That's the Italian coming out in me. But it's true.

I came home. I immediately looked around. I felt so blessed. So much more blessed than I'd ever felt before. I have healthy kids. I have so so so many people who have been pulling for me. I have family who love and support me in more ways than I could ever have expected. I have friends who have gone above and beyond to help me. I am truly blessed.

This test is a snapshot in time. It's not a guarantee but it's a Merry Christmas for our family, for me. For this I couldn't be more grateful.

The margarita place is closed on Mondays. I have a colonic booked for tomorrow so I can't eat anything but purees for a few days after but believe me my friends....there will be a margarita taco night in my future.

I thank you all for your positive visualizations, for your prayers and for your words of kindness for everything you've all done for me. Everything. From the bottom of my heart.

It may sound odd to hear but I'm still stressed. Processing this is hard. It's like being on a rollercoaster. Even when you get to the bottom safe for now your heart is still pounding. Decompression is real.

So......I'll send a pic of taco night soon. But GOOD NEWS today.

I joked to a few people that the worst ones are the hardest to kill. LOL.

I got a laugh or two. That's all it's about.

Laughs, love, gratitude and appreciating how truly blessed we all are.

Thank you to everyone who visualized my clean scan.

You made a difference and I love you.