So here I sit. It's almost a year to the date. This is the place.
Best tacos in town. And as luck would have it today a margarita special. Every time I've driven by here for the past year I've imagined this moment. My return. Celebrating a victory over fear. Reclaiming my life. One year. One hellish fucking year I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But here I am. Alive. Whatever term we use. NED. Remission. I don't care. They couldn't find any cancer so I'm having a margarita to celebrate. I think I'll make it an annual event, because I envision many many more years without cancer.
I told the waitress why I was here on a Tuesday at 2pm to swill a few margaritas, she started to cry and then took this picture.
Please also note my peppermint nails. This has been quite a week. If I don't deserve it. Who does?
See that wild grey hair. I love it. I love every little bit of who I am now. I don't think I could've ever said that before. I am unapologetic about it. This past year.....it has taught me so much about life. About myself. About the world and about people.
I lived in a fog of privilege. Being beautiful, being thin, being naturally athletic, good health in my youth, being raised by parents with money, never wanting for love or sex for too long, being blessed with intelligence and wit and devestating sarcasm, and then being blessed with two girls who eclipse me on all those fronts more beautiful, smart and amazing than I've ever been. Being blessed by them having kind and loving fathers. I joke about the sarcasm thing.... But really I'm not kidding it's all true. And then some. I've lived for so many years not counting days, noticing things I should have and taking forgranted so much.
Well not anymore.
This past year has taught me that everyone fights a battle. Some more obvious than others, but we all have something to overcome in this lifetime. We all struggle and we all deserve more than anything our OWN compassion.
I have learned that pain can be mental and physical at the same time. Bringing a person to their knees, but there's a choice, to try to get up or not. I've learned some people try and try and can't and some people die, and it's not fair and not right. It makes no sense, but just because others fail doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Defying the odds is just that. But nothing is 100%. There's always room for an exception. Creating a space for possibility means overriding the urge to lay down and quit.
This past year has taught me more than anything the unbelievable kindness and generosity of my friends and of strangers who have heard my story and my struggle. Without the Go Fund Me....I don't know I'd be sitting here. I am still very much in treatment. I will be for years. This is only possible for all of those kind hearted and generous souls who help me. It has taught me that people are good. People care and even during a year when money is tight for everyone excecpt Bezos, there are stilll people who help.
This past year has taught me that nothing matters more than time with our children. They are only small for so long. Maybe they wont remember being small, or us when they were little but the imprints we make on their hearts last a lifetime. The past year has made me a better mother. I care more about what memories we make. Not just Christmas and Birthdays but the odd Wednesday afternoon too. Sitting with my daughters and listening to their little voices. Hearing about their days. Appreciating the gift of being a mother. Appreciating that these perfect people will outlive me and their offspring will carry me on into the future. What a gift that is. How lucky I am.
This past year has taught me about love. It's not about sex. It's not really even about total honesty. C'mon, we all have our secrets. REAL love is being there to pick someone up off the bathroom floor when they can't walk to bed, tucking them in and telling them you love them. Real love is doing more than you'd ever expected, being there for the abuse you don't deserve but you know isn't really about you. Real love is watching your partner parent children like they are his own ...who aren't his, because you can't get out of bed. Real love is finding sex and love after surgeries and treatments and baldness and hormone treatment.
Real love is just holding hands, knowing someone is there for you. Real love for me is the experience of Jason Frost. He is the real deal. He's no angel but he's perfect to me. He's been there all along, he never gave up on me, even when I wanted to give up on myself. He put up with so much shit this past year. Having to leave work, take time off, rescue my kids, rescue me. Real love. It's not a fairy tale, but it's a tale.
This past year has told me that I'm capable of much more than I gave myself credit for. My capacity for suffering is incredible. Head held high. The entire past year there was only 1 day I didn't get out of bed. 1 Day.
This past year has taught me to look forward with what I want in my mind. I imagined this day. I imagined this.
Half sweet half salt but pure perfection.
This past year has taught me not to look too far ahead. To appreciate the wins. Like my recent win. This past year has taught me that regardless of the wins or loses, tomorrow is anyone's guess. And cancer as unpredictable as it is is predictable in one way. It'll either tear everything apart or force you to open your eyes to all that you have.
It can come back, it can come for anyone but what we do with our days while we are here it can not control. Only we choose our attitudes.
I had the tacos next.....
If they look delicious in the pictures, I assure you they don't do them justice. Like a vacation in a bite. Mexican amazingness. Fresh corn tacos. Wild caught battered cod, diakon, pico, queso fresco, pickled radish, guac. And the margarita.
I sat enjoying every bite. Remebering the days I couldn't even keep down a saltine. Paying hommage to a body that has kept going for me this past year. A mind that is strong and isn't ready to quit.
Death looks over all of us....hanging there in the ether. No one will escape it. We do our best to postpone and deal. I see her there, but I'm resolved to do what I can to make my life worthwhile and to leave behind gratitude and love. To enjoy every year. I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of not making the most out of life.
So guess what.
I ordered another taco. And another margarita.
If the past year has taught me anything it's that at any moment all of this can be taken away, and there is beauty in the everyday. It's not about counting them.....it's about making them matter. It's not about survival statistics and predictions, it's about loving today and looking around at a pretty amazing world filled with so many amazing people.
And tacos.
You deserve this Sara ! Love Life !