#91 New Year's Devolution

Since receiving the clear scan in mid-December I've been a bit unhinged.

Doctors telling me, just try to forget (for the holidays) about the last year and enjoy yourself, within moderation. Try to enjoy family. You've had clear scans and for now, you appear to show no signs of metastisis.

This is obviously good news. But people, including my family are all "you beat cancer"...."you don't have cancer anymore"...."be happy"...."be positive...it's great news".

The fact of the matter is, I currently show no signs of cancer spreading, but usually with my type of cancer it takes time....if it is spreading. Often a year or two if it's going to do anything and then it's metastatic, I've been out of heavy duty treatment for 6 months. I'm not being negative right now, I'm being realistic.

Also I don't whine a whole lot about my physical condition because I'm grateful to be alive and be able to still run and exercise but here's the truth. Every night my side aches where they removed all of lymph nodes, my scars are getting tight which feels like a something squeezing my chest all day. My hair is not my favourite right now. Usually at Christmas I liked to put on shimmery clothes, curl my hair and look fancy. I can't do that. It's not a huge deal, but it compounds feelings. I have side effects from radiation and chemo I don't mention often - ringing ears, numb fingers, sexual side effects, headaches.

I try to forget the past year, but who can. Maybe those around me want to forget it, because it was so awful to watch, but when you go through the year I went through, you can't forget it. The anniversary of my diagnosis, remembering Christmas last year, little triggers, they all work to fuck up my day. I'm currently in a Cognitive Behavioral Group every Wednesday. I see a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist. I have meds and a naturopath who is a Buddhist who offers me regular advice. It all helps but at the end of the day. It's all in my head. Spinning around.

I've been drinking much more than I should. Old habits die hard. Coping mechanisms, but also not drinking to erase things or numb but because it's Christmas and I enjoy it. Taking it all in, feeling like I'm not depriving myself.

Newsflash. Anti-depressants and hormone blockers and all the supplements and treatments I'm taking don't mix well with excess alcohol. A few glasses of wine, sure but a cocktail, a burboun or two. Not a good idea. I've had a few nights where I wake up the next day and I literally can NOT remember a thing from the night before. I feel embarrassed and like a failure. I feel depressed because my life will never be the same.

There's no forgetting cancer, there's no real moderation for me right now. I'm not capable of it. I was traumatized by the past year and there's no way I can forget it and celebrate like it's all over.

I still get hot flashes everyday. My bones ache from the shot I take to shut down my ovaries, I have mood swings. My chest hurts. I have limited range of motion in my right side. I have aches that worry me. Some nights I have nightmares about chemo, I have moments of panic, I worry for my future.

I've had some good times. I've given thanks, I am grateful, I am relieved but it's not all like...."ok that's over". It's still a part of my life. I'm pretty far away from defeating cancer technically. I need to be cancer free for at least two years before my odds of recurrance drop significantly. 5 years before they'll declare any sort of remission or improved survival odds. 10 years before I have the option of dropping the Aromatase Inhibitors.

Mine and Jason's relationship is strained as you can imagine. He doesn't love being my designated driver after everything I've been through, he just sees it as me being selfish, which is true I suppose. But it's unchartered territory for me. I'm not perfect. I'm being honest. Somedays I wonder if he likes me anymore. Sure he loves me....but does he like me, the way I act I don't even like me some days.

I've eaten bread, carbs. Some sugar, non organic foods. I feel like a failure. Sometimes I just want to give up.

Basically the opposite of the mood people are supposed to be entering a New Year with.

These are the highs and lows of cancer. It doesn't go away, sometimes the trauma and stress of what you've been through come out in ways you can't imagine to sabatoge your day.

Christmas was a huge trigger for me. I can recognize it, but unless I do something about it, it's nothing more than just a story. It's not always that easy.

When I get home in January, I have Drs appointments again, I'll have upcoming scans, blood work and constant reminders that my life isn't the same. My knees ache, I will have a bone density test because the pill I take every morning causes osteoporosis. I have to return to the vigilance of chasing cancer away. It's a lot of work. The holidays are a nice break but also I'm not doing them right. I know that.

It's never been something I'm good at. Moderation. Add in some mental trauma and physical changes and it's a hot mess.

I write this blog to be real. I'm not the only woman suffering years after a cancer diagnosis with the after effects that no one really talks about. You aren't in active treatment or bald or sick looking but you still struggle and that struggle is very very real. It's a battle.

Obviously, because I am who I am.....I will pick myself up. Dust myself off and try again. But....it won't be overnight. It's a process and at the end of the day any sort of resolution, or change doesn't happen in a day. You notice MAYBE in 3 months......that you've changed.

I wouldn't say I'm in a downward sprial but I had to leave a dinner last night that I'd been looking forward to for weeks because the booze hit me wrong. Normally, I would've been ok, but all the meds and my weakened system can't handle it. Jason was mad at me, I was embarrassed. It sucks.

So today. I pick myself back up. I'm honest about what I can and can't handle and I'm navigating a new landscape. It's not easy. I don't expect sympathy, or special exception. It is what it is.

I just write it, because I know I'm not alone and no one talks about it.

Breast cancer is savage. Women suffer after recovery because they're expected to be always grateful and positive and that's just not realistic. Even at Christmas. It's a lurking shadow and it takes years, sometimes a lifetime to come to terms with the experience and talking about it often feels like whining. When we should just be happy to be alive....

Truth is, after having the cancer removed, you still have all those issues you had before cancer and they weren't solved, just shelved. True healing takes years.

I'm not trying to be a downer, especially in the New Year, but hey.....I'm just being honest.

I will continue to move forward with positive intention and have a plan to clean it all up when we get home....but it ain't easy.

Sometimes you aren't your best self. And that's OK. Sometimes you're a hot mess.

That's life.