#94 Iron Bras and Buttholes **caution graphic content**

Someone told me yesterday at the checkout at the grocery store that at least I got a "good cancer". Really? When I looked at him, eyes wide, shooting fire....he attempted to retract his statement and say "well, people are living longer and the treatments seem better". I simply looked at him like the idiot he was and said "sounds to me like you don't know too many people with breast cancer", took my fucking goat cheese and left. I went home for a bath...I had had a headband on....took it off and was about to go in the bath. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Fucking hell.

I haven't had any other cancers, thank the Lord, but I do know that breast cancer has been no walk in the park. The chemo, we discussed in earlier blogs....as everyone imagines is a nightmare. The double mastectomy, an equally traumatizing event. Radiation, an ongoing nuisance and fear inducing on many levels, not to mention painful and exhausting. When "active treatment" was over for me. Hormone treatment, ovarian suppression and naturopathic treatments still continue.

It takes about 6 months for the hormone treatment side effects to really start making their appearance. Hot flashes, bone and muscle pain, lethargy, mood swings, lack of sex drive, weight gain, depression and anxiety. The side effects of surgery - tightening around the chest, also known as "Iron Bra Syndrome" starts to appear. It feels like it sounds. Like I'm wearing a bra that is made of steel. If you look at the picture above you can see my scars actually pulling inward and the skin tight and down, in the arpit it pouches because of the pressure. Tight and immovable, imagine the most uncomfortable bra and think that you'll never be able to take it off. I do my stretches, I exercise. I may need to start Physical therapy. Which is another expense. Also there's the seroma I have from surgery, a pocket of fluid that has collected on my chest wall. It needs to be regularly monitored. I have numbness in my fingers and toes. I have developed swelling under my right arm where they removed a chunk of my lymphatic system. Lymphedema is a real concern, I will need to seek an osteopath to help with massage and exercises to ward that off. Once it begins it NEVER goes away. We aren't taught enough about our lymphatic system when we're learning about body systems. Its SUCH an important one.

Anyway. My point of all this is that there is still very much going on with me as side effects and current problems relating to my cancer treatment and not all of them are obvious. Not all of them I've discussed, but I promised to be open and honest, to be fearless and transparent with my writing here because so many women who go through what I've been through suffer in silence, often without even their partners knowing.

Chemotherapy is savage. It destroys all of the cells in your gut lining, all the way from the "mouth to the south". It spares none. Not the ones in your mouth, not the ones in your rectum. Yeah, I know butt talk. Get over it, we're adults.

When I had my second baby, she came flying out at my widwife at warp speed. 4 minutes. Afterwards I had to have surgery on my butthole. There was a part that was supposed to be on the inside that was on the outside. It was snipped off and although the recovery was painful, I moved on and never looked back. When cancer and chemo came....all areas of weakness in my body were targets, including that post surgical site.

For those of you who are queasy, maybe stop reading now and hit up Insta for some quick memes. For those of you who understand this isn't easy for me to write; but I know I'm not alone. I know so many women suffer like I do and no one really understands what happens when you have chemo, breast cancer and all that goes with it....read on with compassion.

Anyway. Chemo attacked that surgical site, I developed what's called a fistula. Most people know what an anal fissure is, it's when there's like a crack in your butthole, it's unpleasant and often requires a quick surgery to repair - many men suffer this actually...many more than women, yet it's never discussed. My doctor told me today 70%of his patients are men.... interesting isn't it?. Anyway let me describe.... A fistula is much more serious. It happens when inside your rectum an area gets inflammed and a tiny tube forms from inside you, to the outside of you, right near your butthole. It's like a tunnel kind of. I was amazed this could actually happen. Sounds like science fiction. Tiny ass spaceship wanting free.... Not really visible to the eye, but it presents as a bulge and the tunnel wants to break the surface of the skin, and ultimately there is a like a tube from inside your butthole to the outside of your buttcheek. It's as awful as it sounds. It is common after chemotherapy. NO one tells you this.

It's not like there's poop leaking out or anyting, it's just fluid from inflammation. BUT it can be a sign of colon cancer, or further issues so it needs to be addressed. AND obviously it needs to be addressed because I'm 43 and want a life, a sex life and it's just not acceptable. I haven't really mentioned too much to Jason because I don't want to disgust him or add another layer of unattractiveness to my physical state (refer to picture 1). It's tough. Clearly he knows all now that I published it on my blaaaaaaahhhhhhg.

Today I found out I have to have another surgery. On this thing. I like to say it in French "La Fistula" Sounds so exotic. I've named it Francois, soon he'll be gone. I had a pesky gallbladder pollup in 2009 I named Kevin and he's dead to me now.... I digress....

It's day surgery but so was my double mastectomy. I'm being fast tracked even during covid because I'm a high risk cancer patient and a biopsy is needed to rule out cancer spread. I'm not saying cancer has it's perks but I'll take what I can get. I want this thing gone if there is cancer I want to deal with it ASAP. It's a pain in the ass. Pun intended. They have to slice into my buttcheek and remove the skin over the tunnel part, then leave it open to heal. Sounds awesome right?

These are the things no one tells you. These are real things for many women who have breast cancer and who've had babies and who deal with the effects of treatment. Many women have hysterectomies, ovaries removed, have vaginal issues and many more intimate issues arise. It's not just lopping off two tits and removing a tumor and away you go. It's so much more.

So now I have to have another surgery. More anesthesia, more inability to function for myself and care for my family, more treatment, more expense. It's never ending it seems. More healing, more pulling myself up after being kicked down.

So I sat in the bath, and cried a little and then got out. I proceeded to tell myself that I'll battle this surgery too, and all that comes with it.

Breast cancer is not a "good cancer", it takes a tough woman to manage.

I towelled myself off.....styled my hair and flexed mental and physical muscles.

I'm sexy because I'm real. I'm sexy because I'm still me and I'm sexy because I'm tough as nails.

Fuck you cancer. You ain't gonna get me.