I've been sleeping late. Like 10am late. The kids are pretty good. They wake up, Jason feeds them breakfast and they go up to their rooms and start their school day. We pack snacks for them like they are still in school because we can't handle the "I'm hungry" all day long. They have their veggies and two snacks. They never ate their lunches anyway so we do away with it and feed them an earlier dinner which they actually seem excited to consume, regardless of what it is.
I don't know why I'm so tired, I have been having a hard time falling asleep. Could be that I just got my Zoladex shot last week, could be that I have aches and pains and don't feel awesome everyday. It's hard to differentiate between side effects of very powerful drugs that literally melt your bones and perhaps a new metastisis. I have a CT Scan coming up on January 26. This will be my 9th or 10th this year. The amount of radiation my body has undergone is staggering for a calendar year. Maybe the reason I'm not sleeping is because I'm glowing in the dark and keeping myself awake. LOL.
I went for a blood test today, what a fucking gong show that was. People EVERYWHERE. Usually I go to lifelabs, I try to book ahead of time but that's useless now because of Covid. They just make you line up. Outside. Like WTF.
So here's what happened today. I had a requistion from my naturopath. This is not covered by OHIP. I have to pay the naturopath for the test, because the Ontario government wont cover, the paper said Dynacare Labs. I wasn't sure if I could go to Lifelabs, which is where I always go. So I thought, I'll just swing by the lab, ask the security guard if I could go in and ask a question so I wasn't waiting in an hour long lineup.
I got to the clinic, opened the door and asked the security guard to ask them at the desk if I could have the test there. The lady first in line said to me "HEY LADY....there's a line here you know". I was like "I know....I just have a question". She said to me "We all have questions....and were freezing" I said...."I know, but I don't even know if I can get my stuff done here so I wanted to ask...it'll take one minute I don't want to wait an hour to ask if I even need to be in this line". Then she says to the people behind me "THis one here thinks she has special privledges...."
A few people behind her mubbled and looked at me like I was some sort of monster. Instantly I felt like ripping into her....Old school style. I didn't. I said to her "This surely is a trying time for all of us indeed isn't it". Just then, the security guard came out with a lab tech and he told me that I couldn't get the test done there. The lady totally heard it all. She looked down at the ground and I looked right at her. I felt vindicated. However, old me was boiling inside. I lifted up my hand and gave her the finger. From my mitten. Surely she knew what was under it....and I saw someone in the line laugh. But I must've looked like an idiot waving my mitt at her. Whatever I felt better. I still stick my tongue out at rude people under my mask now. It's a joy. A real release. One needs these things. Bottling up stress is toxic on so many levels. I say time and time again that the stress of the years 2016-2019 grew that tumor like a bad mushroom.
Anyway, off to Dynacare I went. Expecting the same bullshit, waiting outside. All that. I got there, there was a nice heated entrance way and the most friendly nurse came and got my health card and told me there would be a bit of a wait, but if I wanted, they would text me 10 minutes before so I could come back. I was all over it. I said sure. Off I went to buy some essential goods for our home. I got my text and returned 45 minutes later. When I was going in an old lady and I mean OLD. LIke 100. Was standing in line. There were 3 people in front of her. The one person said to her "would you like my spot...I'm next" and then the person in front of them said the same until she was at the front of the line. I watched it all go down. It renewed my faith in lab rat culture.
Plus one Dynacare. Minus one Life Labs. It can just be a small thing that makes all the difference. A person, a mood, a thought. It can change an atmosphere, a mind or a day for someone. I think about this, as I go about my days.
Lately I've been feeling like maybe my karma needs a boost. So whenever I'm driving around and I see a homeless person I go to the nearest fast food place and get them a hot meal. Yeah, it's not organic but it's food. I see in their faces, in their eyes how happy they are to receive a nice burger and fries, and I'm sure to include a rootbeer because that's a treat. I've been doing it for about a week now, everyday when I'm out I see at least 2 people. They don't have homes to isolate in, the shelters are full from what I read and some of them really just are hungry and down on their luck. SO it's a little thing I do. It's an expense, but I feel I've been so fortunate from so many people that I need to somehow pay it forward and I can't do it with my time right now so this is the thing I'm doing. Meals on wheels.
So now I sit at home and wait. Wait for my blood work. Like balancing on the edge of a knife. What will they show? No one knows.
Cancer is always lurking. I could go the rest of my life without it coming back....or I may have a month until the house crumbles. It's such a mind blasting thing. So today I focus on today and what I can do.....
That's the thing about cancer, even after my clean scan in December, the day after I got the results I started anew....now what? What will January bring, what are these aches and pains? Why did I throw up this morning after my vitamins? Why do I have a headache in the morning. Could be nothing. Could be something but I just don't know right now. So I wait and I try to focus on my beautiful children. Their smiles as they play in the snow. The smell of them when I kiss them goodnight.
I focus on the now. The beauty in the world and how I am grateful to be here. I don't think as much about death as I used to. I know it's coming for me, sure as the sun sets. And I won't know when. I do what I can....the rest is up to God, or a higher power, or karma or whatever, but it certainly isn't up to me.
My tests will be what they will be. And I will endure the wait. And I will endure what comes, good and bad.
Like today at the labs.....one never quite knows what to expect. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.
Sometimes you just gotta give worry and anger and Covid the finger. Mitted of course, we are, after all good Canadians.
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