Tomorrow I go for my CT Scan. They'll inject me with radioactive dye and scan my chest, abdomen and pelvis for any signs of proliferating cancer cells. I feel OK but this morning when I woke up I was anxious. When I was first diagnosed with cancer every morning I would wake up and it was like living a nightmare all over again. I have learned since then, that when I wake up, and remember what has happened I should breathe and try to relax myself. The anxiety is almost a reflex I can't control some mornings. PTSD. It's real for young women diagnosed with Breast Cancer. This morning I woke up alone. Jason at work, the kids with their dads and just me in the bed. Me and my body. I felt every little ache and pain.
It's amazing how when your mind gets weak, or stressed your body feels worse and less strong. This morning I slept until 11. When I got up I had to force myself to go for a run. It was a slog. Each leg felt like lead, and not because they were heavier than the day before...but because of my mind. As I ran I chose to feel gratitude for each step. That I was able to take a step.....that my heart still beats. I love my lungs because despite radiation induced pneumonitis they continue to work. I love my legs despite muscle loss and pain from hormone meds they still work. I love my body because it still works. I'm still alive.
It's only 20 minutes out of my day but those 20 are critical. Especially today when I didn't want to get out of bed. Those 20 it's mind over body, it's running, focusing on each new step. I give myself permission to stop if I need to but I didn't feel the need today. I just ran. When I got home I felt better for having done it, but afraid of what tomorrow will bring.
Tomorrow I'm going to document my day, from morning to Scan. So you can see what it's like in Covid to not only enter a hospital in a hot zone, but also to experience a CT scan and what happens during and after.
I'll post tomorrow.
Stay tuned.
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