So as we've discussed, I had a CT scan on Tuesday. Usually the results take 2-3 days to come back. Doctors get the results first. It comes up on their computers, their nurses notify them of anything pressing, or of upcoming appointments and they go from there....notifying the patient.
I'm sitting here watching Jurrasic Park reruns because for some strange reason I find the movies very relaxing. I get a call from "UNKNOWN ID" which I know is a doctors office of some sort. So obviously my heart starts to beat before I even pick up the phone. "Hello this is the scheduling department for your oncologist, he wants to see you Feb 3 in person and not on the phone, please make this change and be at the office in the cancer center next week at 1:30pm" I was like "Why in person?" she said "I'm sorry I'm just the scheduler I have no information beyond what I've given you". And that was it.
I hung up and instantly wanted to vomit. My mind was racing....like...this is the worst news ever so he needs to see me....to give it to me to my face. I have months to live. How can I wait a week for this.
I immediately started calling everyone...my family doctor. No answer. I called the Cancer center and the procedure there is you call the triage line for oncology. YOu leave a message for your Doctor's nurse, maybe she gets it that day, maybe she doesn't they have 24 hours to respond. I left a message that was basically "I had a CT scan now they want to see me in person please have her call me back to tell me if I'm dying". The receptionist was like....."ahhh.... ok". Then I put Jurrasic Park back on and was actually envious for a moment of the people being eaten.
I just sat here with my head spinning. Worst case scenarios.....covid death.....my kids not having me around. Lung cancer, all those things. I just paused the movie and cried. It's too much....the stress. But you can't not think about it. You can't be like....oh....focus on something else....just wait and see. I sat there for a solid 20 just stuck. In my chair staring at the paused image of a trex about to eat someone. It was strangely soothing.
Then my phone rang. It was my oncologist's nurse. They know me. They know I'm nuts. I have no patience for results that are mine that they hold. I want them when they get them. I want to know why and I can't just sit and wait. They know if they don't call me back I'll call again and again and again until I find out what they know about ME. So of course, she called when she saw my urgent message.
She said "Dr. just wants to see you for a physical, it's been some time since he's seen you and he wants to bring you in...." I said "What about my CT scan....can you see the results there....." SHe said "He will discuss the CT with you then" I said to her...."Tell me....is it bad...is there cancer...am I dying" She said, no don't worry he will discuss....not to worry....it's just a physical. I paused then I said again "so no cancer?" She said " Oh no....just he wants to talk to you". I said thanks for calling me as I was in the midst of my 19th nervous breakdown and she said she could sense it from the message and some oncologists are bringing patients in slowly to see them as it's been a while. I said ok. I half believed her. I half don't.
What if she just said that to ease my mind until Hiroshima next week? I am so untrusting. What if she was just telling me what I wanted to hear so I'd have a good weekend until I found out the cancer is back and all that goes with it. I don't know. Jason says she wouldn't do that....it's unethical. But people tell people things they want to hear thinking they're doing them a favour when they're not. People do it sometimes out of love, out of selfishness and out of fear.
I don't know what to think. I just feel rattled.
So Jason isn't here. He's at the bike store. Of course. I'm sitting in my chair. Still staring at the t-rex. Not sure what to do with my beating heart and frazzled nerves.
This is the reality of cancer. It could just be an afternoon and you're chillin watching a classic and all of a sudden everything comes rushing back and you realize the fragility of your nature. You realize how little control you have over certain things. You feel helpless and scared and alone.
It's real time for me. My hands are still shaky and I feel weak and exhausted.
That's life after a cancer diagnosis and after what I went through. It sucks.
Zero to a thousand in one phone call.
There will be many more phone calls, many more tests and I need get used to it. It's just so hard.
This was just one snapshot in a day when not much was happening.
On one hand it makes me appreciate my life and every day I have and on the other hand I wonder how much more I can take.
It's not easy. We'll see what the story is with the CT and this appointment but I'm not completely convinced.
One day at a time. It's all I can do.
But goddamn it.....it takes some strength.
Positive thoughts Sara. My prayers are with you.