Well, I'm not gonna sugar coat it. That was an awful day. We got there at 9am and at 9:20 Jason prepared to put the cold caps on. They were chilled to -30F. I was warned about the first two caps being awful like a bad ice cream headache. And they would get better with time. Yeah. So they were right about the first one being awful. Here's me with it on, after 5 minutes of absolute pain, like imagine the worst ice cream headache of your life and multiply it by 10.
Im waiting to go in to the chemo "suite' as they call it. This was taken after I could open my eyes and stop crying from the pain of the cap. In my mind I was thinking that hair isn't worth it. I didn't care about anything but making that pain stop. I continued with the caps though...feeling like maybe it would improve.
Then they called me into the chemo suite and a very nice nurse and my mom and Jason accompanied me. Jason was timing the switching of the caps and very busy getting them ready and all that. Every time a cap would go on it was torture.
Here I am in the chair awaiting my second chemo bag. The first was what they call the Red Devil. It causes 100% hair loss, pain, nausea and you pee red. I didn't feel much when it was going in. The steroids, anti nausea meds and other meds help a lot. With the exception of the cap I felt ok. The hat was awful
Anyway this was the last pic of me before I decided I couldn't handle the caps anymore. I needed for them to come off. I couldn't stand it another minute.
So they came off. I felt upset with myself for not sticking with it but also so relieved I could stop, and I knew then that my hair would all fall out soon and I'd be bald. I accepted it, because at that moment how I looked played a distant second to how I felt.
I had a little cry and that was it. Experiment over. Cold capping unsuccesful. After that the nurse told me about all the side effects I may experience. I save the gruesome details, but they were everything you hear about and some more you don't.
Then we went home. I decided that when the girls got home from school we would shave my head together. It was suggested by the social worker I see. I'm taking the power back and doing it before cancer does it to me. I'm involving the girls because it gives them some control too and awareness, and maybe takes the fear away. Ari wasn't happy about it, but Madeleine was actually excited. She loves to cut stuff, cut her own bangs much to our dismay once. This was great for her.
Here we are before the big shave. You can see Ari is upset, but I think she'll look back and be grateful I included her. She will be stronger for it.
Ari cutting.
Madeleine cutting.
Aftermath
So there it is. I made the decision to go with losing my hair on my own terms, before the cancer took it from me. I hope the cancer learns a lesson with this, that it's not going to be easy to take things from me. It's taken enough and now I've begun to fight back.
Here I am. I look like I feel. And it was empowering to dictate for myself the path I chose. I don't regret it.
I will lose all that fuzz, but it'll grow back and I got a few nice wigs that I can wear for going out. LOL. Like Im going anywhere but if I feel better I can.
When I got home I felt ok through the shaving and the after, but then I got really nauseous and have a terrible headache, feel really crappy. Like the kind of hangover where you make deals with God, say you'll never drink again. I'm managing to keep the nausea to just nausea for now with additional meds. I hope they hold out. I don't want to barf....
The headache is a special kind of not nice too...but I will just continue to try to be positive that this will kill the cancer that was trying to kill me.
I don't need to say that again today Jason and my mom were my saviors. When I shaved my head Jason told me he was glad I did, that it made him feel better because he couldn't stand to see me in pain, he told me I looked beautiful grey hair and all...and he told me that for him that will never change.
Today I learned a few lessons: That you always have some power, even if you think you don't, that sometimes things are bad. That there's no way around it but to head straight in to the fire and deal with it. And of course, that true love, wants the best for the other, and doesn't care one bit about what's on the outside. True love of self, and of others begins and ends with a desire to end suffering and to support with compassion. Also, bravery doesn't come from doing what you think you can do. It comes from doing what you think you can't but doing it anyway.
I don't know how I'll feel over the next little bit, it's all new to me, but I know it's not forever and I'm going to do my best.
It's all any of us can ever do.
So here's another shot of the new me. It is what it is, and I'm not backing down from this battle. It may not be ideal, but it's what I've been handed and I'm going to do everything I can to be gentle with myself.
Life is all about the journey. Today was a tough one, but I'm tougher.
Wow. You are a warrior and you're an incredible role model for your daughters, your husband, your friends and family. You are tough. We are all rooting for you. You're in my prayers every day.
Sara we love your honesty and strength in battling this unwanted trespasser into your body and life. You are a true warrior and can face anything that stands in your way. Jason, Madeline, Ari and your Mom were very supportive. Along with Andra you have an army of family and friends who will stand beside you through your journey.