Cancerversary

What a stupid expression. Cancerversary. It's thrown around on facebook groups casually, like today's the day I was diagnosed, today's the day I had my surgery, today's the day I was declared cancer free, today's the day I had my first scan come back NED (No Evidence of Disease). There's much debate in cancer group circles which is actually the "Cancerversary".

Just like for common law couples...is it when you moved in together, or when you first had sex, or when you became exclusive or when you put on your taxes "common law". There are no hard and fast rules around these things.

My naturopath told me....it's from when you're diagnosed. That's when we start counting. My Doctor says, it's from when you started treatment, that's when we start counting.

Counting what? Days I am predicted to survive or have a recurrance. I'm now on the clock.

Well Dec 5 was the day one year ago that I found out I had cancer. Recall the boipsy...and the results that were so awful. Well it's been a year.

One fucking year. I was chatting with a friend last night trying to put some prespective on a year that was most unusual. I remembered leaning my head into the toilet. Unable to walk 4 steps without Jason holding me up, losing my hair, losing my breasts, losing a part of my lymphatic system, being told the chemo didn't work, breaking down, building myself up again, radiation, recovery, therapy, tests, hospitalizations....it's been A LOT.

Chemo nearly broke me. And all for nothing. I won't do it again. I am regimented in my supplement routine and exercise. I live now on the razor's edge. Not knowing if it will come back and celebrating being alive every day.

My life has completely changed in the past year. The woman who was carefree and took forgranted the future. Just assumed I'd be around for my kids kids. Assumed I'd have unlimited Christmasses, time with those I love. A woman who would work herself tired, exercise when she was exhausted, eat to soothe and drink WAY too much.

As crazy as this may sound to anyone without a cancer diagnosis, I am grateful to cancer for teaching me the value of everyday. This past year has been filled with many days of revelation, desperation and renewal. I have had to rise up against the fear of cancer I have had to adjust my thinking and there were many days I had to convince myself the world wasn't ending. There were many days I looked up at the sky, at my children, at Jason, at my Mom or Dad or sister and brother in law. My little nephew. My adopted inlaws and my friends. I took stock. I realized how blessed I've been.

I said to Jason when we were jogging yesterday...that I really don't know if I would've appreciated things if I didn't have occasion to realize they were impermanent. The reality is it's all impermanent. We never know.

For me a little more so, but for us all....time is limited. We have only today to be happy, to spread love and to enjoy. This past year has taught me that I am lucky to be alive, we all are.

It's been a year that I've been living with this beast called cancer, but I see it more like a blessing. A sign that I need to change and shift my prespective, to focus more on today, to appreciate and plan for my children's futures. To look in the mirror and love what I see. I everyday release the cancer from my body and send it back to the universe and thank it for it's teachings.

Sometimes sickness is a wakeup call. I got that call a year ago and you've all been along with me for the ride.

This Friday I have a full body CT where they will scan from neck to toes for any cancer. Hold positive thoughts in your mind and heart for me.

What a year it's been. Covid and Cancer. But here I am.

The strength of the body and the spirit shouldn't be diminished. Tough times make tough people. The will to live is huge.

Year two starts now. I'm halfway to reducing my odds drastically of not surviving cancer.

Cancer is no match for a determined heart and a body that will embrace life. Every move I make is in the direction of the light, the good and the now.

It's been one hell of a year, but I'm grateful to be alive in a way I've never been.

I send my gratitude out into the Universe and to all of you who continue to read and support me and pray for me.

Here it is. One year later. Still going strong, reaching for life and love and positivity.