Floating

When I was a child at the beach, I would lay on my back in the water and look up at the sky. My ears were submerged. I heard muffled sounds, laughter and shrieks of joy, parents calling their children and the low hum of the waves. I would look up at the sky and feel like the water and the earth were one. I felt the wet sand between my toes when they'd touch down only to bounce me up again, floating in an endless sky and sea. It was a lifetime in a moment.

We bought one of those backyard pools during covid, you know the ones..... You pop them up in late May and take it down when the temperature dips. I haven't been in it yet this year. Today was so hot. I am so hot all the time. These pills....my God. I understand why some women say they'll take their chances with a recurrence as opposed to suffering the side effects of the Aromatase Inhibitors. Quality of life matters. I went into the pool.

I floated there. Head bobbing, not submerged. Doing the mom-crawl. You know....so you don't mess up your hair. My hair is a disaster so I plunked back.

The blue sky above me, the feel of the water rushing into my ears; I leaned back and looked up at the blue sky and felt once again, just a small small person in a world I know nothing about.

It was then my neighbour Larry came over to offer us some eggs. We have a really nice community here on the Mountain and not a day goes by that I regret moving here. Anyway, Jason cut some limbs off of a tree for Lar, and he knows Jason won't take money or gift cards so het brought us some freshly laid eggs. We in return gave Larry some of our cucumbers which are growing like mad in my garden. Really like Alice in Wonderland style cucumbers, huge and so wonderful.

Larry accepted. Last week Larry found out he has maybe 18 months to live.

Brain cancer. He's a wonderful guy. He's not having an easy time with it. When I was in the pool I said "How are you Lar?" he said "Shitty". Valid response.

It's been exactly two years to the day that I finished "in hospital" cancer treatment. I still take pills every day and a shot every month, but nothing like chemo, surgery or radiation.

Due to inflation, I don't do the Vitamin C anymore. It's simply unaffordable.

I feel like I am floating.

In between a dream of who I was, and who I want to be. Wasting my days.....wondering, thinking, inside my own head so much. Wanting to sleep all the time yet I don't want to miss a thing.

Cancer has a strange way of making even the simplest most beautiful things seem tragic.

Seeing my children play, my dog play, my family laugh.....I love it all. Somehow, though, it's tragic to me because there is always this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that this is what I'll miss. If I let it, it can bring me to my knees. I don't let it.

I'm two years out. I'm doing OK. I'm not getting gold stars. I'll tell you that. I'm not following diets or plans and off some supplements. Raging against the big machine I suppose. Drinking when I shouldn't...don't judge. I'm dealing with it. I'm ending my relationship with alcohol. It's never really brought me closer to anything I've loved. Just made me a topic of discussion. I may be a Leo but I prefer positive feedback.

Furthermore; I will start a new position at work Tuesday. The one I was supposed to start 3 years ago before I was diagnosed. I know it will help me close the circle of accomplishment I set for myself 6 years ago. I want it. I worked for it. I have it now. I don't need anything but the buzz of a job well done to keep me going. Self-sufficiency, back on my own two feet.

Back to the pool.....I leaned my head back. The sun was eclipsed by a hundred year old tree. I floated there and I thought of Larry, I thought of myself. I thought of everything and everyone.

We don't know. We really don't.

Poor Larry. He thinks 18 months is 18 months. Maybe he'll live more and connect more in the year to come than he ever has. Maybe he won't.....not my deal but stilll.....a day for me isn't a day for you. We all measure time differently.

I don't write as often because I've felt I have nothing to add. The reality is I've felt that what I have to add isn't worthy and it is. I've licked the ice cream cone of death. Just wasn't my time yet. We all will.

There's a whole world that changes after you initially beat cancer, the returning to the "YOU" that you were just isn't possible. I've arrived at a different plane. One that's neither sky nor water. Just in between.

We are all just a breath away from the sky or sea.

I am floating everyday between the delicious surrender of everything and the heavy weight of all that is still in my reality here.

Sometimes it's easier just to float.

Although, now it's time for me to get out of the water, and carry on.

iBefore cancer "me' is dead.

What is left.....we shall see.

Follow me for updates from my new job while I towel off from the ocean I've been floating in for years.

Death happens once.

Rebirth....is possible in a lifetime.

Sea and sky and all that is in between........all possibilities.

Never count yourself out.