So it's been over a year since my diagnosis. If you haven't been diagnosed with cancer you really just don't know what it does to you. Breast cancer is a special beast too, because people think it's curable, when a lot of the time it isn't, but you have to go back to being "You". It's so hard.
Chemo sucks. Everyone knows that. Radiation sucks. Everyone knows that. Amputation of body parts obviously blows. Everyone knows that. What people don't know is all that comes after. When you heal and your hair comes back and you can move and resume somewhat of a normal life.
For me, my "after" is a needle the size of a pall point pen that gets injected into my stomach every 28 days to make my bones leech calcium, to reduce my hormones, to put me into menopause. To top that off I get an Aromatase Inhibitor that turns whatever estrogen is left into something that wont attach to my type of cancer cells. The side effects of this daily pill ranges from complete immobility to the point where women have to stop....to what I have which is bearable. Mood swings, muscle aches and pains and aching bones. When I wake in the middle of the night imagine the floor is covered with legos and I have to walk it to the bathroom and back. In the morning, I'm slow to move and groggy because I haven't moved. It's awful. I used to wake up every morning with my kids, make them breakfast, do their lunches. Hell, I think I was a single mom for almost as long as I was a mom with a partner.
Now I suck. I try to get up at 7 or 8 when I wake up the first time but everything hurts and I just end up falling back asleep. Jason is there. I can't help it. My sleep is broken, I have hot flashes, night terrors and I don't sleep well lately.
Today when Jason was working on a bicycle in the basement (his workshop) where he enjoys fixing bikes for people and tuning ours, I said " I wish I got some attention like those bikes". And that was it. He told me all I care about is myself and that my blogs are half truths and I'm not all as inspriational as I may seem and it sucks. That I'm a bitch and if I were nicer he might give me more attention.
I guess it's true. This is the final assualt of breast cancer. You lose your female-ness and you become a bitchy, selfish person.
You have to or you'd die. Obviously I'm not a ray of sunshine everyday.....I'm bitchy, moody, I have trouble. I'm on some serious drugs, I am afraid, I wake everyday remembering I had cancer when I was 42 and there's a 65% chance it'll come back and if it does I have 2 years to live.
It's not an easy thing and I'm not making excuses for myself, my post is mostly to focus on the caregiver. They only have so much to give before they give up. They just can't keep being understanding. They can't keep being the rock. Sooner or later, they just want to go back to normal. They get tired of your complaining and laziness, bitchiness and inability to do what you used to.
So based on his comments today I feel like I have to get up, I feel like I have to do more, that I'm not only miserable to be around but also I don't do enough for my kids and I'm a bitch who hasn't figured shit out. With a blog that she writes that everyone loves....but it's not the real me. The real me is way more messed up.
It took over a year to get here but here we are. Cancer destroys everything. I hate it. I had my shot 6 days ago. Yesterday my mother had to lean over me while I threw up into the toilet and tuck me into bed like I was a child. My children had to watch, and today I'm just an emotional mess. Because of these medications....NOT because it's who I am. But I guess it is who I am.
I have to be a selfish bitch to some degree. I also understand that Jason has been through so much, he's been here every step of the way and so supportive but this new round of covid schooling and him working in the basement and the kids on their devices and me home. It's too much.
I wonder sometimes when I'm feeling especially sorry for myself and anything can make me cry ....whatever did I do? Cancer and covid and all this. It's too much for me. I want to lay in bed all day.
I won't though, I have children, I have a partner, I have friends and family...so I get up. Sometimes I find myself just staring out the back door. Mind blank. Like....what can I do?
Jason told me to fuck off today because I compared myself to a bicycle and demanded more of him when he's already given so much. I know he's pushed to the edge.
He doesn't like me very much lately, and I don't like me very much either.....it's hard.
This is the reality of breast cancer and medications and subsequent surgeries. This is real.
I wonder....did this destroy my beauty, my body and now my relationship? I don't know what to do.
I'm trying so hard to be civil but imagine PMS times 50. That's the type of medication they give you every month to prevent hormone positive breast cancer. I take it because I want to live. On the package it says "HAZARDOUS DRUGS- CAUTION". Which always makes me chuckle. Like....what can I do.
So there it is. I suck. I am a bitch a lot of days. My blog only reflects a part of my life, as Jason says after he reads it "it's a half truth". So maybe I'll start sharing everything.
For my sisters suffering like I am. It's not easy at all....it's awful and a year later I feel some days just as poorly as I did days after chemo. I am forgetful, grouchy, impatient, unemotional and bitchy. I know you feel me. It's real.
I wish I weren't all those things but I am and I recognize that. Maybe it will help a partner of those women who have cancer too......it's so hard for us. We've lost ourselves and it will take the rest of our lifetime to get ourselves back if we're lucky enough to have one.
So yeah. Today's feels.....
I suck. Full truth. There.
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