#2 It's Pronounced Bi-RAD but It Ain't Rad and Bad Baby.

After I crushed my last guilt free taco and what would turn out to be my last margarita for who knows how long I was so disturbed by the conversation with my Doctor that I decided to walk home instead of having Jason pick me up. I walked all the way up the mountain in a snow storm, with no hat or mits. I was in shock. I was breathing in little tiny gasps like I was drowning. Trying not to just stop and leap off the edge of the mountain.

The Dr. told me my report "wasn't good" . Those were her exact words. She apologized, which made me feel even worse, and I asked for a copy, which she said she didn't want to send me because she didn't want me to worry before the biopsy she was sending me for. I insisted in my not quiet voice, that I wanted my report. I wanted to read what she was reading. She said "the radiologist indicates abnormalities and possible malignancy and we should definitely schedule the biopsy and then we'll know for sure". She told me that not all biopsies come back cancer. That a great portion don't. Then she agreed to send me the report. It would take a few hours.

Again...it was a moment that sucked, but I didn't know how much it sucked. I just kept walking up the mountain, trying not to cry. And definitely trying not to think about my kids or about me having cancer and what would happen and how long I would live and what would happen without me. I just kept walking until I got cold enough and tired enough that I started thinking about my feet. Then I was home.

The thing is, you can't really have a breakdown in front of your kids, you have to keep it together and act like everything is ok. For them. You smile and make dinner and go through the motions because that's all you know how to do.

I tucked my kids in to bed and forced back tears and then when I got downstairs the report came. At first I didn't understand much of it..here is the actual report....

So many times I read the word malignancy....and appropriate action should be taken...NOW. Clips, aspirations, biopsies, needles....maybe my Dr. was right. I didn't want to see this. But I did. And whats this BIRAD 5??

The BIRAD score is an acronym for Breast Imaging and Reporting and Database System. It goes from 0-5. It's basically a measure of how likely the ultrasound/mammogram is to be right.

My BIRAD was 5. I googled that immediately. Here is what I read

"Scoring 5 indicates a high suspicion of cancer. In this instance, there’s at least a 95 percent chance of breast cancer. A biopsy is highly recommended to confirm results and determine the next steps for treatment".

So that was it. 95%. Obvioulsy I cried and cried. And didn't know what to do with myself. So I went to the gym. It's the only place where you may not be the only one who looks in pain and sweat and tears are so similar.

My Dr. had me booked for a biopsy at a Toronto Hospital. I didn't live there anymore, and the drive is too much for back and forth for what I was facing so I had to start all over again in Hamilton.

The only way I could get into the Breast Assesment Centre at Juravinski Hospital was for me to go to a Walk-In clinic to a Dr. I didn't know and show my reports and ask for a referral to the Breast Assessment Centre and hope they take me.

After the Dr. (who knew nothing about me or who I was) sent the form I was to follow up.

I drove straight there.

The woman at the desk told me they were booking into January. I showed her my report. I told her I can't wait another month and a half. Just to see someone. I 95% have cancer and I need a biopsy.

She said my form needed to go through the "protocol". I looked right at her and told her I have two little girls and this says I likely have cancer, the speed at which I get seen here could determine my future and theirs. She told me shed do her best and I left crying.

I proceeded to call every day for the next 5 days with the same request. Bump me up...this isn't a routine mammogram, I need to see a Dr.

Finally on Monday Dec 9 they called me for a cancellation and I was to have a repeat ultrasound and mammogram and maybe the biopsy then. I should bring someone with me to the appointment.

I showed up and had the ultrasound and mammogram. They said the had to do the biopsy. It took two Drs an hour and a half to access the tumor and the lymph node that looked cancerous. They had to dig around in my armpit to find it and stab at it repeatedly with a needle until they could grab the sample. When the procedure was over I almost fainted, literally.

They had to call Jason in and turned me upside down on the table. The nurse said "It was a bad one" and that I'd be sore but they got what they needed.

The Dr. came back in and said he didn't think the cancer was in the lymph nodes but the lesion in my breast was maybe the size of a dime and he didn't see it really disrupting my life too much. I mean besides the fact that because they had to dig around I looked like this:

Swollen and unable to move for a few days but I felt ok about what the Dr. said. It probably wouldn't disrupt my life too much.

So maybe it was cancer but they could just cut it out. The nurses said "they've come so far with breast cancer now the rates of survival are so high"...excellent... It wouldn't disrupt my life too much. Jason heard that too...we went to bed feeling not too bad about the next few days waiting for the biopsy results.

Now... because I didn't yet have a family Dr. I had to go back to the walk in clinic to get my results. They called me two days later and told me I needed to come in. I drove myself. I sat in the waiting room and then the tiny waiting room and as soon as the Dr. who I had never seen before opened the door I knew. I had cancer.

She said "I have some very bad news...." I thought...wait "very bad??" I was expecting bad but not "very bad".... She continued "Your biopsy shows invasive carcinoma...this is a cancer that has spread also to your lymph node...it is maybe stage 2 but likely stage 3...they will need to do more testing to confirm the type of cancer it is...but I'm so sorry...you have cancer". She told me I had an appointment with a cancer surgeon in two days.

I just sat there. I think I said "well that sucks". I had no one with me. I was in a room with a stranger. I drove myself there. I had no friends in town to call. Jason was working and my kids were still at school. I left the office stunned and sat in my car. It was like everything was different but everything was still the same. People walking around, noises and cars and stuff...but I then I just drove home, changed and drove to pick up my kids. Like a robot.

I think for the next few hours I was in shock. I put my kids to bed and then I cried. There was nothing I could do now. At least for that day, so I tried to go to sleep. I tried not to think of my kids without me, of Jason alone. We just moved into this house together, it was supposed to be our first real happy Christmas with the kids. I googled a bit and then took a few Ativan and some herbal sleep aids and cried myself to sleep.

In the morning I re read the report, here is how it looks when you get a biopsy report that says you have cancer:

And here is what the report looks like when its spread to your lymph nodes.

I dropped the kids and Jason off and went straight to the gym. I signed up for the most punishing spin class on offer. It helped a little...but then I had to go home.

Everyone was at school at work and so I spent the day just crying and cutting vegetables because I had to make dinner. I told my Mom and my sister, I waited to tell my Dad because he was just diagnosed with Kidney Cancer and I couldn't imagine telling him. He was just starting to accept and feel ok with his diagnosis. I would tell him in a few days...

It's a funny thing that happens when you find out you have cancer. Nothing changes, but in that instant everything changes. You're still you, but you have this thing now. Kind of like having a baby...you're still yourself, but you have a beautiful baby and your life will never be the same, it's a beautiful moment. The best two moments of my life.

This was as close to opposite as I could experience. I had a bad cancer baby. A shitass, fuck up, unwanted tit cancer baby that was growing too quickly for my liking. Now everything would be about this collection of bad cells, so needy and troublesome.

To distract myself I tried to map out a preliminary plan. Naturopathic care, diet, lifestyle....like I had any clue how these bad babies died, before they killed you. I'm a nutritonist, I don't know a lot about cancer. I know what not to eat...but I have no idea what to expect now. Jason had to take my phone away, I was spiralling into the black hole.

I watched a stupid movie and ate some blueberries and after enough passionflower and skullcap and valerian and melatonin and gaba I slept for a few hours...

I would discuss the excision of said bad baby tomorrow with the surgeon at the Juravinski Cancer Care Centre. I was now a cancer patient.