I signed up for a cancer yoga class at the local zenporium and had to get a new pair of yoga pants because all my old ones are too big on the ass now, which is hard to imagine because I didn't have much of one to begin with. All the fat from my ass is now in a bagel around my belly button. Like a little baby. This is the aftermath of steroids. Even one week's worth and I have 7 more rounds to go. Whatever, there's nothing I can do about it. I might as well just accept it. It's not a thrilling detail or one I enjoy seeing but it's not the worst. It's just how I look and I'm learning to let that go for now. I went to the mall and it was the first time I really got the "awe" look. It was super annoying. But then again. I do look like I have cancer and I always felt sorry for people who looked my age or younger and had that cancer look. Oh well.
The nurse told me during chemo that Tuesday would be my first day without my steroids and I'd likely be irritable and kind of depressed. I made a point to seek therapy to mediate this. I feel heading off side effects is easier than trying to manage them once you're in the midst of them....but I realize this isn't always possible.
So I walked to my appointment with the Social Worker who specializes in women who have breast cancer. I live a 14 minute walk from Juravinski Cancer Centre. I committed to walk 30 min a day this week as part of that exercise study so I had to take the long way around the block. I felt like a person who hadn't exercised in months. It's been 5 days...
This was my second appointment with her. I like her. She's seen it all...counseling women with cancer for years and years. I can't imagine. Anyway, she basically pointed out to me based on what I was saying (and I completely agreed) that I feel my body has betrayed me.
I'm not going to pretend I was a hardcore vegan yoga master up doing sun salutations and meditating daily, eating only lotus leaves and drinking fresh cracked coconuts. But shit, I did try. I ate, still do, eat organic. I hit the gym daily, I cycled everywhere.... I buy personal care products with no parabens or chemicals. I eat grass fed organic meat and organic chicken. I shop with a conscience, I don't drink milk, or eat any fast food...you get the point. Yes I'd eat a bag of chips on the beach, I'd drink too much more often that I should've but I danced it off. I'd have a Dairy Queen and some pizza if the mood was right. BUT. For the most part - 80/20....I did the right things. Honestly. I am by trade a Holistic Nutritionist...graduated valedictorian! And still I got fucking cancer.
So I guess I do feel like my body betrayed me. And now I have to battle it, but also try extra hard to baby it. It's a real place to be. Killing something that's living inside of you without actually killing yourself is an art form. It's a delicate balancing act. This is why I've decided to use a holistic approach and also am under the care of a Naturopathic Cancer Doctor, who was also a conventional physician for 18 years before switching to Naturopathy. I take the supplements and mistletoe and I'll do hyperthermia and hyperbaric oxygen treatments to try to save what's left of me after the chemicals and radiation have had their way.
In all honesty... Day 5 I thought I'd feel worse. I feel just tired and bloated and sore. I can't really eat anything without remembering I have the digestive system of a newborn now, but I've adjusted. I get aches and pains from the immuno-booster but nothing more than a really hard day at the gym. Ok, maybe a little more, like some stabbing pains, but nothing that lasts too long. I hope it starts to get better and better until next Friday the 24th which is when I'll start it all over again. Then I'll have a whole new crop of entries for the blog chemo session two and beyond!
The therapist says this type of chemo I'm on is actually a little better tolerated than the one I'll have after this. The next one is called Taxol. Apparently it's no fun. I try not to think that far ahead. I'll just keep focused on today and what little I can do for myself in the moment. I'm all about the little wins now. I imagine they will add up and someday I'll look back and see that it's the collection of those little wins that make the difference.
The nurse was right though, I do feel a little down. Not so much depressed but more a feeling of nothing. I have no attention span and despite having Prime, Netflix and Crave on trial right now I can't find a single show that will hold my attention. I decided to watch Back to the Future 2. It's familiar and reminds me of cream soda and popcorn and my parents basement. Ok maybe I am a little depressed. LOL.
These are the ups and downs of cancer treatment. I am doing the gratitude, the walking, the talking, the proper eating, but I'm still killing something inside of me and that's going to take something away from me while I do it. It's not realistic to expect to feel normal, or good, or really safe. I guess that's what's missing most. I don't feel safe anymore.
I don't have the steroids to help me pretend I got this, like I did those first few days. I don't have a basement I can crawl into and be a kid again, I don't have guarantees and it's really all up to me.
I continue to hold positive and grateful thoughts in my head as today could've been much worse. But this is the reality of cancer unexpectedly at 42, it shocks you in little ways everyday and it's all just about trying to keep ahead of the curve.
Tomorrow I'll try the cancer yoga class, see what happens there. At least there no one will be giving me the pity look. We all have it.
In 2019 26,900 Canadian women were diagnosed with breast cancer and 5,000 will die from it. 1 in 8 Canadian women are expected to develop the disease in her lifetime and 1 in 33 will die from it. I'm not alone.
And I guess this is as good a time as any to remind any women reading to please do a self breast exam regularly and if you have a history of breast cancer in your family to consider early screening.
Public service announcement over. I don't have too much prophetic or inspirational to say today...blame it on the steroids.
Hey, maybe I'm like the cancer Hemingway -- I need steroids to write well, like he needed whiskey. Although I don't see suicide as my way out of a failed blogging career. I'm getting off topic....
I'm now going to go and eat some apple-blueberry sauce I just stewed down with some flaxseed.
I hate to end the blog on a shitty note but...constipation is a real thing too.
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