I'm recovering. I've had a few pathetic little runs around the block. It took everything to get me out there. All that determination inside my head, I had to concentrate it....focus and strap on the gear and just take that first step. Each was hard...until the end. I did not stop.
I would've stopped if I was in pain, serious pain. The pain I was in was the mental battle....it's so much easier to sleep, to sit in a chair, to wait.....now I run every second day. Soon enough I'll be back on my bike and the fact that I have a brand new one.......one that was purchased with such love....I can't wait to ride it.
Today though...I sat. I slept until 1:30. Why? Because I felt I needed to without apology. I'm transitioning from a world where I was at the center of my own universe, to a world where I'm just another thing to observe. It's amazing the clarity and also guilt and sorrow that comes from that.
I see myself for what I was for years.
Not settled, constantly moving provinces, moving cities, moving homes, moving lives, loves.....now......I have one life. It's one that isn't perfect but it's one in which I truly believe I can become the best version of myself. It encompases everything; past, present and future.
I've considered that it's all bad karma....but when I look things over again with a second lens I see more closely....
I have two wonderful children. I am fortunate for my friends. I am fortunate for my parents and family. I am fortunate....I've had a good life until cancer. As for my children and my life as a mom....my children's fathers are amazing and special people. They are artistic, gifted, kind and generous. They are good Dads and have always been. You will never hear me say otherwise.
It took me today, facetiming with my little one, and her Dad's live in partner to realize how lucky I am. My daughter was snuggling up to another woman, and she had her arm around her...cut to a scene in "Stepmom" with Julia Roberts and I'm Susan Sarandon where I'm the old uncool and maybe dying mom and she's the hip pretty and cool new mom.... All I could feel was relief and gratitude that my daughter has this woman in her life and also....feeling happy for her Dad that finally he's found someone to co-exist with. I mean it. The movie finally made sense.
It's one thing when you think you'll live forever but it's entirely another when you are crossing your fingers for a 5 year mark. To see my daughter with someone who loves her and with whom she feels safe and understood gives me a sense of relief. Not like OK it's alright to check out...but just that it's a weight lifted. All you parents can understand what I mean.
I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid my death will ruin the lives of the people I created.
My Shaman says we all chose our birth. My children chose me. This is their life. They were meant to have me as I them. As my Mother me and so on......we inherit trauma, gifts and challenges.
We are all responsible for the life we live in this moment. For the thoughts flowing in and out. For the anger, for the depression, for the sadness, for the joy, for the love, for the elation. It's all a wave we ride.
I see today sitting inside on this gloomy day....life is....but a series of days. Moments, places, people and feelings.
The key is to not be too attached to any of it.
It's but a wave on the ocean, up and down.
Under the waves there exist a multitude of reasons, causes, tries, fails, loves, addictions, hurts, forgivenesses and misunderstandings.
I endeavour to rise above it all.....
To a place where I can see love wherever it exists.
I think that's the key.
Seek love.
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