Why so "Test"y.....

So today I went to the Cancer Hospital. It's like old news now. I know where to go. I see families bringing loved ones to the door to accompany them to their first chemo treatment ..only to be turned away. Tears, long goodbyes. This is the reality of Covid.

Today I agreed to be enrolled by my oncologist into a study being spearheaded by McMaster and Juravinski Cancer Centre. It was centred around people who've had cancer during the pandemic. They want to know how we are. It's a once in a life time opportunity to ask cancer patients how they are in the age of COVID. How we've been managing, how things are.

I'll tell you. Things are shitty. On a scale of "1.0 to 5.0" I'd have to give it a solid 1.0. Zero being worst.

'

Today I knew all the things to do though because I was diagnosed when Covid emerged, hard to believe a year ago.

I know to take my mask, throw it out. Put theirrs on. Declare my destination and head there alone.

Sit there.

Today I sat beside a person from ER, an old lady who could barely stand and a man who clearly was ill.

I wondered what I was doing there.

I was there for a chest x ray and a liver ultrasound. Today I was getting checked for cancer in my lungs and liver.

I won't find out for a few days. It all sucks. I wanted to know NOW!

This is the reality of Stage 3C Cancer. You're not out of the woods....much time must pass. You never get to know right away. Always the waiting.....

I had the tests and I kind of walked out feeling awful after seeing what I'd seen....I had jogged there....so I decided I'd just jog back and cry while I ran. The beauty of the present reality is if you cry, no one is near. I usually run about 3.5K, today I ran over 5.

No one can handle a cancer centre right now without shedding a tear. I'd rather they blend with the sweat. I just ran until I could manage it.

I came home and I wasn't as much of a mess. I had to get my kids..jog to school pickup and then we went to the park.

I stood there, making pleasant conversation.....this and that....always in control.

Meanwhile inside I was thinking....what is it? What will the results be? What's happening???

I just stood there watching my little one play. Storing away all the images I'd seen that afternoon. Children with cancer with just one parent allowed. Adults with cancer with no one allowed with them....

It's horrific. I was beaten up about it I just kept it all inside and had no one with me to see...to understand what "scan" weeks are like...

When I came home Jason just knew.

When the kids went to bed and I was making lunches he came over to me and just hugged me. There's really no way to describe what it's like to have/had cancer during a pandemic other than to say it's savage.

You're on you're own.

So today I had a chest X ray to rule out Lung metastisis and an ultrasound to detect liver lesions for biopsy.

I came home and tried to be normal.

I dare say I even know what that is anymore but I put Pearl Jam on and cut some vegetables.

I'm not normal anymore.

So I wait now. For the results.......

It sucks ass.

I'm just waiting.